This post is a way for me to vent my frustration, disappointment, guilt, anger and sadness out. It's gonna be a depressing read, so either brace yourself for it or don't read it at all.
Being the kind of person I am, it is very difficult for me to express those deep, dark feelings to many people. Some things I don't even tell my mum or my boyfriend, who're literally, the only people I open up to. This is one such thing. I reckon I know why I'm so uncomfortable expressing my feelings openly. It's because I feel weaker and in a position of vulnerability, relative to the person I'm opening up to. The ironic and paradoxical fact that people like me are, often, the most vulnerable and sensitive is not an exception for me, either. I, too, find myself very emotional and in contrast to my usual self (though no one really knows it) sometimes. To this day, I have only cried thrice in front of my mum and once in front of my boyfriend in my adult life.
It is this weird element within me that acts up and creates an unmovable barrier between me and the people who want to make me feel better. This is the sole reason why I resort to writing when I'm down- be it mental stress, emotional stuff, relationships, anything. Somehow, writing makes me feel better almost every time. The fact that writing gives me a sense of control and moderation over my feelings helps me get through most times. Opening up to an inanimate object (the laptop) somehow convinces me that I can be stronger. I have had moments of intense sharing with the aforementioned people, and they have been enlightening. Even though it's pretty obvious by now, I'd like to state that those intense times would have seemed like any other, light-hearted conversation to the untrained eye. Even in those extremely vulnerable moments, I have failed to reveal to the person how I'm truly feeling. I tend to assume that they just 'get' me.
Though talking to my mum and/or my boyfriend have been the one reason to keep me going in life (which, off late, hasn't at all been bright. Off late meaning the past 4 years. Yeah, I know.), I am starting to think that these have become mere quick fixes and have made me more sensitive than before.
I can confidently say I wasn't as emotionally unstable as I am now, four years ago. I wasn't as pathetic a person. As I see myself change over and over again, go through the same shit, the same stress and the same depressing feelings over and over again, I can do nothing but stare at myself. I have thrown away four precious years, four prime years of my youth, which could have been spent exploring life in so many ways and doing so many better things.
Needless to say, I almost always find that I am idle and have no work on my hands. But when I actually sit down and make a list, I see that I'm lagging behind on so many, many works which should have been started a long time ago, and/or are due in a very short time. Then, the procrastination begins. Telling myself I'm not worthy, I'm not smart enough to achieve my long-term goals, I don't deserve any better, it's probably too late now anyway.. the list goes on. And I'm idle again. It's a vicious cycle.
I know this post is highly unstructured but considering my life right now, I couldn't structure my thoughts any better. I just hope that some miracle would transform me into the person I always wish I could be.
